calming websites

prouvairey:

okay! so. here are some websites that i’ve found helpful, as distractions or deterrents from anxiety and/or sadness.

• silk - use rotational symmetry to create beautful art
• create your own nebula - the title says it all
• looking at something - rain sound effect, move your mouse around to create different effects. (caution with this one—some of the links at the top of the page lead to websites that are NOT epilepsy/photosensitive friendly)
• rainymood
• the quiet place
• 90 second relaxation exercise
• the thoughts room
• calm.com - guided relaxation exercises coupled with calming nature scenes
• calmsound.com - various relaxing sound effects
• music catcher - easy game featuring relaxing music
• drift - cute game in which you are a bunny trying to jump on balloons
• calming manatee - a manatee who says nice things to you

i hope some of these are helpful bc you deserve to feel relaxed and calm! if you know of any other helpful sites, please feel free to reblog and add them in! :3

Oooh thanks for this list!

Here are a few that I like…

• Anasomnia - beautiful… I could watch for hours really
• ‘project two’ (not sure of actual name but that’s what I have it saved as) - fun little music thing that’s good for a five minute break 
• Simply Noise - free ‘white noise’ generator
• Zendesk Buddha Machine Wall - soothing looped meditative sounds
• Moodstream - this is a classic one that my graphic design professors recommended to us back when I was in school

…

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I feel like I was a really bad cancer patient.

Everyone else knows their stages and grades and the molecular composition of their tumors and all this other complex information… and I never really found out any of that. I was so stunned and overwhelmed at the time that I couldn’t handle so much information. I definitely would not have been able to handle all the doom and gloom around metaplastic triple negative breast cancer. So here I am, finally mentally ready (almost a year since treatment ended) to look for answers and talk about everything, and I don’t even know the ‘lingo’.

I can’t even do cancer right haha. 

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I’m alone most of the time. I don’t work, and I don’t drive, so I don’t leave the house unless it’s with someone else (usually the husband). 

I’ve said this before, but I have to reiterate- it kind of makes me worry that I so easily spend so much time alone. It should bother me more than it does. Interaction with other people- even with people I know and love- are often difficult for me and fill me with anxiety. When I am with people I know at times I come off as rude or an asshole or as having bad manners. I get overwhelmed by emotions and by what emotions I’m expected to show. I have to put on different “faces” for different situations, and it is really draining.

Probably it would be a good idea to get some kind of diagnosis. My husband (who works with autistic kids) thinks I am somewhere on the spectrum. My closest friends, upon hearing this idea, almost universally reacted with “Ooooh- THAT explains it! That makes so much sense!” Some other people we have mentioned this too have blown off the idea, because I’m not “like” other people they’ve known. Of course, all anyone ever sees is the “faces” I put forth. My husband gets to hear my rambling, my weird obsessions, my inability to cope with other people’s emotions, and the inordinate lengths of time it takes for me to unravel my own. 

I’m weird about touching and personal space. I have ocd tendencies and habits that I can not break. I DESPISE chatting on the phone. I’m terrified to learn to drive. I avoid the outside world. I’m sensitive to uncontrolled or high pitched noises. I rarely make eye contact and don’t like doing so. I have weird rules and intolerances. Even as a kid, I was often inappropriate, loud, annoying, and had no idea how to be what everyone else was. I never fit in until I was older and learned to navigate better on my own. I was never great at it, though, and here I am unemployed for years and dependent and unable to break out of it. 

There are ways where maybe I don’t fit the checklist..? I never had any language issues. I often had a vivid imagination and many internal worlds. I don’t particularly mind crowded busy places (as long as my own personal space is respected).  I sometimes listened to loud dissonant music (though I hate other people’s noise being imposed on me). Does that mean anything? I don’t know any more. 

I don’t know why I’m even posting about this. Sometimes, though, I wish there had been more help for me when I was young. I often feel like I am a big walking mass of wasted space and lost opportunities. I know I have missed out on so much, and on so many friendships, because I am just so fucking anxious and awkward. I feel like my entire life I’ve been screaming from behind a wall and nobody will ever hear me.

I cope with it all with SUPPRESS-IGNORE-DISTRACT. It works to keep me calm most of the time, but my anxiety is eating a hole through me. 

achemicalworld:

This.

I just found out that I get my MRI of my funky ovary as well as my kidneys and adrenal glands on June 25th, wish me luck. 

Today is my birthday and I am now freaking 40! I have officially entered middle age.

Getting older used to bother me, but since cancer etc I’m just happy to still be around :)

It’s been fun. Saw a few good friends on Thursday night, then went to Orlando yesterday. The hubs surprised me with a snazzy suite at a luxury resort, and Cirque du Soleil, then Raglan Road Irish Pub at Downtown Disney. Today my parents and sister and nephew and brother in law surprised me. We ate at Bongos (Gloria Estefan’s restaurant), then saw After Earth. Good times so far ;)!

Went to my appointment with the gynecological oncology team on Monday June 3rd (X)

Regarding the high testosterone and spots on my ovaries:

They said the ovarian cancer that has the high testosterone associated with it does not match what people with breast cancer usually get (not sure if it makes a difference that my cancer is rare and is apparently very similar to ovarian cancer).

They are not really sure what the spots on my ovary are, they could be something simple like old follicles or some type of benign tumor. The only way to really know is to take it out. Before it comes to that, though, I’ll get an MRI next week of ovary and kidney/adrenal glands to try to pinpoint cause and get better look.

After that I decide whether to take out one or both ovaries. I am pretty sure I’ll be leaving the nice pleasant healthy ovary alone for now.

Since they didn’t sound like they are convinced it’s definitely bad (but still want to be cautious), I feel a bit less doom and gloom. I’m sad about the ovary thing though, because it just makes the process of trying to have a baby even more complicated. There is so much going on right now, though, that I am too emotionally drained today to even begin to process the loss of yet another body part.

My oldest dog is gone :(

We got her on New Years Eve 1998/99 when she was four and a half months old. She a loud stubborn obnoxious opinionated very smart girl. She also was super gentle and even though she barked at everything always, she would never hurt anyone. There are so many stories everyone could tell about her- she had a big personality. She had really bad hip dysplasia and lost the ability to walk this past year. We got her a harness and carried her around and did everything for her, but in the end she was too uncomfortable and not happy, so we had to make the hard decision. 

It was a seriously rough day. I miss her already. 

Here she is a while back:

Here are both my dogs:

My babies :’)